Grief and condolences
What to say when someone dies
The short answer
Keep it short and sincere. Say you're sorry, name the person if you knew them, and offer something specific. "I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm thinking of you, and I'd like to drop off dinner Thursday if that helps." You don't need perfect words. Showing up matters more than what you say.
Why this conversation feels hard
There's nothing you can say that fixes a death, and most of us freeze because we're afraid of saying the wrong thing. That fear often leads people to say nothing at all, which can feel lonelier to the grieving person than an imperfect message.
Grief also changes from person to person. Some people want to talk about who they lost; others want a quiet presence. A good message leaves room for either and doesn't ask them to manage your feelings.
Word-for-word examples
By text or message
A text is fine, especially as a first reach-out. Make it clear they don't need to reply.
- SofterI just heard about your dad. I'm so sorry. No need to reply, I just want you to know I'm thinking about you.
- CalmI'm so sorry for your loss. Sarah was such a warm person and I'll miss her. I'm here whenever you want company or quiet.
- ConfidentI'm so sorry. I'm bringing dinner over Wednesday around 6. I'll leave it at the door unless you want me to stay.
In person or at the funeral
Fewer words work better face to face. A hug, if welcome, and one honest sentence is enough.
- SofterI'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, but I'm really glad I could be here with you.
- CalmI'm so sorry. I'll always remember how he made everyone laugh at the barbecue. He was one of a kind.
- ConfidentI'm so sorry. I'll call you next week, and I mean that. You won't have to reach out first.
A few weeks later
Messages tend to stop after the funeral. A check-in later often means the most.
- SofterThinking of you today. I know the quiet weeks can be the hardest. No pressure to answer.
- CalmI've been thinking about your grandma. Would you like to grab coffee and talk about her, or about anything else?
- ConfidentI'm free Saturday morning. Want me to come help with the yard, or just hang out?
What not to say
"Everything happens for a reason."
It can sound like the loss was deserved or meant to be, which rarely comforts anyone.
"I know exactly how you feel."
Even similar losses feel different. It also shifts attention toward your experience.
"At least they lived a long life."
Anything starting with "at least" tends to shrink the grief instead of acknowledging it.
"Let me know if you need anything."
Kind, but it puts the work on them. Offer one specific thing instead.
What if they respond…
They say "I'm fine" or "I'm okay"
Okay. You don't have to be fine with me, though. I'm around whenever.
They start crying or go quiet
Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.
They want to talk about the person
I'd love to hear more about her. What's a story you keep thinking about?
They don't reply at all
Don't take it personally. Send one more short note in a week or two: "Still thinking of you. No need to answer."
Need words for your exact situation?
Writing to a coworker, a close friend, or someone you haven't spoken to in years? Tell What To Say Now who you're writing to and the tone you want, and get wording that fits your exact situation.
Write my messageCommon questions
Is it okay to text condolences?
Yes. A text is a gentle first step and lets them read it when they're ready. If you're close, follow up with a call, card, or visit later.
What should I write in a sympathy card?
One or two sentences: that you're sorry, a short memory or quality you admired, and that you're thinking of them. Sign it warmly.
Should I mention the person who died by name?
Usually, yes. Many grieving people find comfort in hearing their loved one's name. It shows you remember them as a person.
What if I didn't know the person who died?
Focus on your friend: "I'm so sorry about your aunt. I know how close you two were. I'm here for you."