Supporting someone through divorce
What to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce
The short answer
When someone says they’re going through a divorce, don’t decide whether the news is sad or a relief for them. Start with, “Thank you for telling me. How would you like me to support you?” They may want to talk, make practical plans or spend an evening without discussing it. Let their answer guide the conversation.
Why this conversation feels hard
Divorce can change friendships and family routines as well as a marriage. Even if you know both people, you don’t need to act as a messenger or referee.
Questions that feel like interest to you may feel like demands for private details. Let them choose what to share.
Word-for-word examples
When they first tell you
Acknowledge the news without celebrating or mourning on their behalf.
- SofterThat sounds like a lot to deal with. Would you rather talk about it or have a distraction?
- CalmI appreciate you trusting me with this. I won’t pass it on.
- ConfidentWould having dinner together Wednesday make the week a little easier?
When you know both people
Be clear about what you can offer without becoming involved in the dispute.
- SofterI care about both of you. I can listen, but I don’t want to carry messages between you.
- CalmYou don’t have to explain your reasons to me. I’m here as your friend.
- ConfidentI won’t ask the children about what’s happening. Let me know how you’d like visits to work.
Make the wording fit
For a coworker, keep it discreet and focus on practical work arrangements if they raise them. For a close friend, ask what stays private and what kind of company they want. Don’t assume they want to date again.
What not to say
“You’re better off without them.”
You may not know how they feel, and they may still care about their spouse.
“Who gets the house?”
It asks for private financial or legal details before they have chosen to discuss them.
“You should take them for everything.”
It escalates conflict and offers advice you may not be qualified to give.
What if they respond…
They ask you to choose a side
I can support you without discussing what I think of them. What would help you today?
They ask a legal question
I don’t know enough to advise on that. I can help you write down what you want to ask a qualified adviser.
A place to start
You don’t need an opinion on the marriage to be a good friend. Respect their privacy, follow their lead and offer support you can sustain.